Seed

He pushes her away, face tense and guilty. He knew it would come to this eventually, they both had. They had both gone into this knowing very well that they weren’t meant for each other. They’d known that what they were doing was wrong, had known the consequences. They still carried on.

We can’t blame them; shouldn’t even. When two souls decide that they need each other, conscience is of no importance. Theirs was a connection like no another: an electric, burning sensation that travelled through the air when they were around each other. They had chemistry, still do, even as he stands here breaking her heart. He can feel that same electric heat, threatening to overtake them both.

From that very first kiss- one they would both call a huge mistake, a character flaw- they had been hooked. What was it about these two that made them so inseparable? Was it the taboo of their relationship; that they both belonged to other people? One may never know.

She looks at him through glassy eyes as she remembers that very first time- cheeks flushed and swollen lips, both wondering what they had done. She wishes that that had been the last time. She wishes they hadn’t continued their illicit love affair. However, that first kiss had ignited a spark, one that had come in a wildfire and devoured them both. After that it had been stolen looks when they were among friends, secret meetings in their leisure and scorching guilt when they were sleeping beside those that really loved them.

What had started out as a hobby had turned into intimacy. They would leave their partners alone on most nights to meet between the sheets. The conversations they would have after; profound. How could one not fall in love in these circumstances? They had become each other’s emotional crutches, tied through the bone and to the soul. Their love was still one very forbidden, confined to the four walls of their love nest on Craig Avenue.

He stares at her now, the woman he has come to love more than anything else in the entire world, and he knows she deserves more than this. ‘She deserves more than secret meetings and stolen kisses behind closed doors’ is what he thinks to himself every time he sees her-before the heat overtakes them and they end up in bed again. This time, he has told her that she deserves more than this and he has told her that he is not the man to give her what she really deserves. Hence, we are here friend, watching him break this woman’s heart.

On this particular night she had come to tell him that she has left her partner, she is ready to be with him- to travel and be free just like they always talked about. Then she heard those words coming from his lips- lips that she had kissed and nibbled on earlier that day- her heart had dropped to her stomach. Even now as she reaches for his cheek she whispers “why, why, why” in soft, tearless sighs. She can’t understand how they went from a perfect morning to now- a dreadful and rainy night.

He tells her that he can’t belong to her because he already belongs to someone else. Her voice breaks while she holds his hands in hers, “No, you belong to me. You love me. We both know that. Leave her and be with me.” To this he can only reply with “I can’t be with you anymore. We were never meant to have each other, we were never meant to love each other. We can not be together.” Her first sob. The tears fall easily down her face. He turns to walk away from her because he can’t bear the sight of her tears. They’re killing him inside.

She pulls him back and kisses him passionately just as she always would. Breath fanning his lips she says, “Tell me you don’t feel that between us; when we kiss, when we’re just near each other, when we make love. You love me.” She grabs his chin and forces him to look at her, “You love me. You want to be with me. Please don’t do this to us. I love you, I love you so much it hurts. I know you feel the same way” As she’s saying this her chest is heaving and her face has desperation written all over it.

His chest hurts, he can feel his eyes sting as he thinks one thing, ‘yes I love this girl’. It hurts because he knows that no amount of love can help them be together. Tears stream down his face as he says the only words that he knows will deter her, “I don’t love you M. This thing you describe between us can only be described as lust. I lust for you.” She let’s go of him and falls into a crouch on the floor. She places her head in her hands and cries earnestly. She knows he is lying and yet she can’t bring herself to argue with him about this. Her body feels too weak to move from where it is right then. “Please, let’s talk about this. We can fix us, whatever I did we can fix it. I love you, I can’t be without you.”

As she says these words he turns to walk away from her. He can’t stand to hear her pleading for someone who is as worthless as him. He knows she deserves better, he feels he’s doing the right thing by walking away. As he leaves he can hear her scream: liar, coward, bastard and other profanities. She bursts out in a loud wail. Her only cry that he should come back.

He can’t turn away, not now. He can’t allow her to settle for him. She’s still crouching at the door, weeping to no one in particular. Last month they met at this door, they embraced one another passionately and went into their love nest together, he planted a seed in her womb. Today, he leaves her alone at this door, crying and soaking wet in the rain, screaming for him to come back. His seed grows.