TRIGGER WARNING: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
She classified how much she loved someone based on how much shit she was willing to take from them. It was a bad habit, one she had learned growing up in an abusive household with a narcissistic father. She would give and give and give until she had nothing left because to her, love meant sacrificing your own needs listlessly for the other person. She had never really been in love and had only really ever seen love from her parents.
Ayo had grown up in what looked like an average family: her mother was a housewife and a freelance artist who sold her art online and her father was a lawyer. Her parents both did their best to be active participants in her life so even though she attended boarding school, they would attend all her parents meetings, school concerts and fundraisers together. She was an only child, a rainbow baby who had been born after her parents had suffered many miscarriages. So her parents spoiled her endlessly.
Growing up, Ayo had spent most days with her mother. Her father worked a lot, so her mother fed her, bathed her and took her to school everyday. It was her mother who taught her how to scribble, draw and paint, and when her parents had seen that she was incredibly talented, they had her sent to an art school. Although Ayo spent most of her time with her mom, she idolised her father. It was rare for him to have free time, but he always made sure that they had the most fun while being together.
Her father had a few anger issues, and demanded perfection from his wife and daughter. However, Ayo didn’t mind because she strived to please her father, and she always did. She had never failed a single subject, was always in the Top 3 in her grade, did 3 extra subjects and even played two instruments. She had always been an over achiever, a quality she knew she had inherited from her dad. There was nothing she wouldn't have done to please her father, to earn his approval.
Now, of course, her parents' marriage wasn’t always smooth sailing. They would have arguments, often involving the lack of a stable job on her mother’s part and her father’s addiction to his. Her mother would argue that she was lonely and her father would insist that his job was keeping their family afloat. So her mother would sigh in defeat and accept their situation. Sometimes their fights would be loud, there would be screaming, crashing of furniture and the sound of her mother crying.
After those big fights, Ayo’s mother would lock herself in her room for days. Dinner would be takeaway at the dinner table with just her dad and her hair would be done by Mrs Brown (her class teacher) at school. Her dad’s temper would get worse and there would be no laughter in their home. She never failed to notice the claw marks on her dad’s face, or the bruises on his neck, arms or knuckles after these fights happened. However, when her mother emerged from her room of darkness, she would be smiley, happier, and she would say to Ayo “Did you see what I’ve done to your father? That is what you do when you love someone too much. You would fight for them over anything. You would even fight them. Don't be like me Ayo, never love a man too much.”
So to Ayo, that was love. Love meant marking and branding your partner as your own. It meant that you fought sometimes, but no matter what, you got back together. That was love to Ayo, and even though she had never been in love, it was how she one day wanted to love someone.
Ayo lived a seemingly perfect life and she was thriving in every way that mattered. At school, she kept a small circle of friends that she kept at an arm's length. She worked a lot, obsessed with building her CV. As much as she was extremely talented, she knew that her art couldn't possibly sustain her forever, so she made sure that she acquired skills in other fields. Her general lack of free time meant she didn't get to experience that 'university life' that most people went to uni for in the first place. She was fine with this though because she generally thought people her age were the most disingenuous group she had ever come across. She kept to herself and she liked it that way. That was, until she met Ade.
Ade was an enigma to Ayo. He was this tall, semi-arrogant boy who made her laugh and opened her eyes (and mind) to a completely new perspective on life. Ayo was not a shy person, although she was very reserved. With Ade, she opened up, she would go to parties with him and socialise with people who she would have never been open to seeing before. With Ade, she felt herself come alive. He showed her that she could build her life and have fun too. This was a strange concept for Ayo, she was born and raised by a perfectionist after all.
Ade was the first person that she'd ever dated, her first kiss, her first everything. So he became her everything too. Ayo was new to dating, she didn't know that it wasn't normal to move in with your boyfriend in less than a month, she didn't know that it wasn't normal to spend every single waking moment with the person you were dating. She didn't see the red flags in Ade, heck, she didn't know to look for the red flags. She looked up to him, idolised him in the way that she had idolised her father and she didn't see that as a bad thing. She only knew that she had never felt that way about someone ever before.
There was nothing she wouldn't have done for him. It was like he had become her centre. Because he was her first, she sought out his approval. She craved for him to tell her that he was 'so proud' and she was 'such a good girl'. She would do anything, say anything and be anything he wanted. If Ade said that Ayo had to stop wearing flannel because it didn't match his brand, she would do it. If Ade said that she shouldn't befriend that group of people, she would do it. If Ade said that Ayo should quit her job, she would do it. If he told her she shouldn't slouch, grouch, drink, or anything, Ayo would cease immediately.
Ayo didn't know enough about love to feel their relationship had turned into a co-dependent, toxic, controlling mess. She didn't know enough to see that it wouldn't end well. She didn't know enough to set boundaries, assert her independence or ask for space when she needed it. However, she still loved Ade, even when she felt like he was suffocating her.
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