I have never been a person of half-measures; I like to throw myself into things completely. I've always felt that this was the only way to live, to do things. If I'm going to do something, I am going to pour my entire heart and soul into it and I will not leave even a safety net 'just in case'. Unfortunately, I have also been cursed with a very impulsive nature. I often do things without thinking them through completely, simply because it feels right in that moment.
Needless to say this has gotten me into some extremely sticky situations, but it has mostly made for an interesting life with amazing life lessons. There is nothing more rewarding than taking a huge risk only for it to turn out well, in the same breath, there is nothing more devastating than having to deal with the fallout of a bad decision.
When you are young, you do the things that make you feel most alive. You do the things that make you feel as though your soul is on fire, the things that make your heart beat a 1000 mph and make your stomach drop to your knees, the things that bring you the most joy. Even when you know it's only going to hurt in the end or that it might scar you forever, you do it, because if you don't do it now, when will you? Life is so much more fun when you throw caution to the wind and just dive in head first.
Unfortunately for me, this method of living breeds massive heartache when the dust settles.
I'm nineteen, which basically means I'm at that stage of young adulthood where you're definitely still a teenager, but everyone treats you like an adult so you start acting like one. At 19, you have the responsibilities of an adult, you're responsible for what you eat everyday, what you spend your money on, oh and how you get that money too. At nineteen, you're falling in love, and you're making those friendships that are (hopefully) going to last you forever.
Despite having these responsibilities, you've still got the mind of a teen. You're just learning the ropes that come with adulthood, and you've probably also got the maturity and tenacity to match. When you're like me, passionate and impulsive with that "all in" attitude, you're also making those big decisions that are gonna lead to a lifetime of happy memories and scars to match.
I'm at the age where everyone I meet is definitely my soulmate, everything needs to be tried at least once before it gets cancelled (experimentalism is the crux of young adulthood) and all my money must be spent because it will come back. That is the magic of this age, you know? You lose friends, you learn some very big lessons and most importantly, you spend all your money on Takealot buying things you absolutely do not need but could not live without.
I view nineteen as the last year I have to make those big mistakes that only children can make, before I'm just that messed up adult who needs to get their shit together. Nineteen is definitely my last chance to try drugs, get trafficked to Mozambique, escape, hitchhike to Mzansi and then come back home on a bakkie while staring into the sunset with tears in my eyes you know? (To my mom: if you're reading this, this is definitely a metaphor. I am not doing drugs).
Nineteen feels like that part in the coming of age movie where the main character realizes that they actually have it really good and they start apologizing to everyone they did wrong and start being a good person again. My point is, it's the resolution of your teens, the part of your life where you look back and say "Boy, I was so stupid when I was a teen" even though you're doing things that your younger self would be appalled at. It's the age where you prepare for your twenties, and while you thought being twenty would be heaven when you were younger, you're absolutely dreading it now.
It feels like the calm before the storm, the in-between transition phase. It's like you're staring into the abyss, looking out and wondering "who the fuck am I gonna be when I grow up?" Even though ten year old you thought you would be sure by now. What was once an abstract (adulthood) is staring you right in the face, and you realise that you are not equipped for this. The gag is, no one ever is prepared.
Am I looking forward to being a twenty year old? No. It feels weird to think about myself as someone that's that old. However, because I am who I am, I will go into my twenties full speed ahead, diving in head first in an all-consuming blaze. Simply because that is who I am, I am a no half measures type of person.
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