Life comes at you fast: one day, it's a Saturday morning and you're setting up your toys for what will likely be a long day of playing, the next, you're filling in a job application hoping that this will be the one that's successful. That's the first thing I've learned about adulthood; there's no time to play. Every day of your life is supposed to be spent on something productive. We stop being people, and instead become machines that need to produce something.
I spent a majority of my teen years trying to be a grown up. It wasn't because I wanted to be grown that bad, but rather that I wanted to be like my peers. I spent my early teen years trying to be someone I wasn't, trying to fit into the norm. I spent my time trying to dress, act and talk more mature, so I could fit in with other people my age. I was basically trying to prove to everyone around me, including myself, that I was a grown up, that I could take care of myself and hold my own. It's a part of life no one can resist, we all want to fit in at some point.
I look at my teen years as a time in my life where I was the most sure of myself, I had my entire life planned out. Life right now reminds me of that Taylor Swift lyric "How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?" When I was younger (which honestly wasn't that long ago) I thought I knew everything. Honestly not much has changed: I still have a very clear vision of how I want my life to look like, my values and beliefs. I have also become more malleable and adaptable. I know now that nothing is set in stone, life doesn't always go as planned unfortunately, and I've become more open to change.
As a new arrival in the ghetto'est Hood of all, I have spent my time asking myself how adulthood will change, grow and challenge me. It is not something that is easy to think about, I would honestly like to believe that in the next ten years, I will be more or less the same person. However, life doesn't work that way. I ask myself how I would define adulthood and what it will mean to me.
Because I spent so much time in my early teens worried about what others thought, my late teens were dedicated to radical self-acceptance and I feel that that journey is what will define my adult life. I never want to spend another second feeling like I'm not being my most authentic self. I want to be defined by the pure courage it takes to be yourself unabashedly. I want to spend my time doing all the things I wanted to do as a teen but was too embarrassed/afraid to do. I want to live my life as I would if I thought that no one was watching because the gag is, majority of the time no one is.
I spent my twentieth birthday celebration as a fairy; it's the sort of thing I have always wanted to do. It's just that, at some point I convinced myself I was too old to do things like that. I was scared of what my peers would say, what they would think. I was scared of being labelled childish or being called weird. I have always had a childlike disposition, but that doesn't mean I am not emotionally mature or intelligent. I am learning that there is nothing wrong with viewing the world a bit differently than others and that I should embrace my quirkiness- I am nothing without it.
I want to taste life, like fully experience it. I want to live so happily, smile until my cheeks hurt, laugh until my belly hurts, sing until my voice is coarse and dance until my feet hurt (I can't even dance by the way- but I will still dance because who cares). Life is not a performance, it is not a competition. We get to define what life will mean to us, and it is too short for us to not take that opportunity by the horns.
What I've come to learn is that adulthood is about doing all the things you wanted to do as a kid but couldn't. I have learnt to not care about what others say at all. I have learnt that I care more to like myself than to have others like me. I spent my twentieth dressed as a fairy, but the truth is that I wasn't there as myself, but as my inner child. It was something I had always wanted to do, and it was absolutely magical being able to do it. It was a marvelous experience, the type that stays as a core memory. That is what adulthood will be to me, I think, a collection of experiences that breathe life into me, experiences that are absolutely wonderful and magical.
~~~~~~~
PS: Third year medicine is not easy, hence I only post something on the blog once a month. I think the days of posting weekly are gone, I just can't seem to find the time and inspiration is hard to come by. Unfortunately, I only write when I'm inspired. Still, I thank you all for always reading my blog. I appreciate the conversations we have about my writing, the critiques and the compliments. I am glad to have an audience with which to share all my loudest thoughts.
Welcome to adulthood 🙃 🙂 ❤️